if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
