i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
