my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
