Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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