I faked an abortion last night.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
