he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
