I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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