i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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