____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
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