This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
