The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
