too bad you live with your parents still
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
