She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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