I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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