Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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