I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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