In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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