Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
