I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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