i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she told me i tasted like america
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
