I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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