I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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