I'm drive I can fine osifer
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
