its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
