is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Randomize
