Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
