I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
