I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
