Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
