I wish I could teleport
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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