Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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