I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
