If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm too high and old for this...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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