I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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