Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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