I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
