Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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