he puts the penis in happiness.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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