I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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