I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
