So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
