he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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