I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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