I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
