he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
