i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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