My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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