She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
