Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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