Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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