You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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