I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize