I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize