i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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