I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
