Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
